Saturday, August 15, 2009


Every morning I psyche myself up for "the morning call." It's the phone call I make to the NICU each morning at 8 am, which is the soonest we can call since they do shift-change from 6-8 (am and pm.) I try to be positive. I really do try. But often I find that what I'm really feeling is a sense of cautious pessimism. That way I can be pleasantly surprised if it's good wrong I know. God calls us to place our hope and trust in him. How am I evidencing this in my life when I am so clearly in doubt of his goodness and mercy. While driving down one night (Jeff and I have come to really appreciate this time together to process everything,) I admitted that since mom died, I have not fully given the people in my life over to God. I say that I have laid them on the altar, so to speak, as Abraham did, but truly I have not. I am withholding what is already His. Especially my husband and my children. Especially Ryan. Ultimately it stems from my fear that when/if I give these people completely over, if I really pray God's will, He might see that taking them "home" is the best answer. As with mom, her cancer had so taken over her body, the only "solution" was either complete healing or death. Now, I know that this is all quite silly because my fear doesn't sway the outcome. After wrestling with this, and yes I'm pretty sure I've sustained an injury a la Jacob, I have concluded that first and foremost God is good and he loves me. Now if I move forward from that premise, then I must believe that God did not take my mom to punish me, and even though I might not understand this side of heaven, there was a greater purpose in place in spite of/because of her death. Or perhaps because of her life - to flip-flop the argument. Furthermore, at this point in my life, with Ryan's illness and NICU stay, God is still good, regardless of the outcome (although I do feel hopeFUL not hopeLESS, just helpless if you know what I mean). For, if I abandon this belief, I am simply lost and without hope. Not a place I want to live! Sorry for the philosophical bent of this post - I am drawing nearer to God (yes, I have wondered if that's not in "His Plan") and for that I am grateful.
Ok, so on to the info: Ryan is up to 20 cc's of milk, holding at 2 liters O2, but all the way down to 20% (which is room air)! He's on his way! His respiration rate is still quite high for the most part, but he is experiencing more frequent periods of lower rates. Please keep on praying!!!! Thank you so much for all of the cards, emails, facebooks (is that a word?), meals, etc. You are truly the hands and feet of Christ!
As I am trying to keep up with my reading through the bible in a year (again!) I found myself in Lamentations and several verses really hit home for me:
Lamentations 2:19 Rise during the night and cry out. Pour out your hearts like water to the Lord. Lift up your hands to him in prayer.
Lam 3:21-22a;24 Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! ...The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!
And this one hit me where it hurts!
Lam 3:55-57 But I called on your name, Lord, from deep within the well, and you heard me! You listened to my pleading; you heard my weeping. Yes, you came at my despairing cry and told me, "Do not fear!"
A good word from the Lord!


windyday said...

I love your heart! We are praying for your family and baby Ryan!!! He is with you!

Momma C said...

Oh sweet girl, I so feel your pain and understand your doubts. Dear Jesus, give us the faith when we are so weak.