It's again been so long since I've taken the time to sit down and write. We have moved, a fine house that suits our purposes for now. But, it's not a house that I would have chosen had we had more time and more money:) We are however debt free, and that is what counts!
With the move came a change for Jack. He started public school this fall and that has proven to be about more than I can handle. During our first public school experience and then as we homeschooled we were certainly aware that he had some issues which made "normal" learning a challenge. We tried many different things and found some success and much failure:( The classroom environment has been a huge adjustment. No longer can he just ask one person (me) for help - his teachers are great but they have other students to attend to as well. I can't hardly write this without crying as I imagine how challenging it all must be for him. He's been tested through the school and now we are pursuing help via a psychologist referred to us by our pediatrician. There's talk of medicating, diagnostic tools, anxiety, ADD, ADP...the list goes on...for far too long. I feel such a tremendous amount of guilt for having not seen the depth of his issues before this. I feel guilt for being hard on him, for telling him he was being lazy and not giving us his all. I feel confused because as I research these various disorders/issues so many of the "symptoms" do not fit him. He seems to be this giant jumble of several significant issues, each on its own would be too much, but altogether seems impossible to sort out and make sense of.
And yet, here we are. Moving forward to find some answers and trusting that God is sovereign and loves Jack even more than I do. Staggering to think on that one:) And I am so very, very proud of this boy. School and all of the social junk that accompanies it, it difficult for a "normal" brain. Yet, this boy gets up everyday and does it all over again - even when he's teased and made fun of, and even when his "friends" are not those I'd choose for enemies. Oh this boy.
No one tells you when they're born just how much your heart will expand to love and how many times it will literally be ripped open for the pain that you feel for something they're going through or how cruel someone has been to them. There are no words. Yet God. He does know. He gave His one and only son. I'm not literally turning my boy over to be crucified, even if it does feel that way sometimes. I will choose to rest in the understanding that even in the midst of pain and trouble, He is with Jack and He will always be for him. And I will too. We will choose to laugh together, as we did in the doctor's waiting room yesterday, and we will puzzle together over how far to let someone push you before you stand up for yourself (a very interesting discussion about who Jesus was talking about/to when he told us to turn the other cheek - in regards to bullying and being picked on). So Jack, my sweet boy, I choose you, and I will choose you again and again until we figure this thing out together:)