Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I am not sure that I will be able to write a whole post. What I want to say is that my heart hurts. This time last year my dad phoned and said that we needed to get to FL to say goodbye to mom. What? Goodbye? How could that be? She had not been well, but certainly we had hope - how do you ever give that up? i woke Jeff up (he was still on 3-1 shift) and we immediately started packing...everything we could think of. I had no idea how long the kids and I would be gone. I went from room to room picking clothes out and putting them in bags, trying to think through what the kids would require for the car, the beach (of course they would want to go to the beach, they're kids) etc. I remember going through my closet and putting the one dress that fit me (still nursing Will and carrying post-pregnancy LBS) into my suitcase, thinking, this is the dress that I will wear to my mother's service. Many calls back and forth to my sister, Jack's school. They were great - told me they would take care of everything , and they did. It was a long day in the car. More phone calls - friends, family. Instructions to friends who would care for the dog and cat while we were gone. sweet friends who later cleaned, did laundry, until Jeff got back. Stopping for the night because we couldn't physically stay awake any longer, but not believing that I would have to delay seeing mom one more day. Getting up the next morning, arriving at the hospital. the rest is for me. I can't talk about it, but in bits and pieces. Last communion. Family hugs. Laughter, yes laughter. Memories. Tears. Hearts aching. I have an over-active imagination and it makes it incredibly difficult to stop playing the loop of those days. What is an asset as an English major, book lover, makes life hell when you just want your mind to shut down for a while. OK, enough for now. I will lay this pain before His throne and trust that His heart aches for me in a way that I cannot yet imagine.

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