I'm Full of It

What in the world is going on with me?  Is this the 3rd post in 24 hours?  Good gravy y'all.  Well, here it is.  I"m full of it.  Now, now Karen, not that "it".  I'm full of, well, Him.  There has been this tide of His mercy in my life over the past 2 weeks.  Coming home from FL and leading up to homeschooling - in between, conversations of moving, talks with dear friends who will apparently miss me (who knew I was miss-able;) pulls to join or not join a bible study; struggles over discernment for being a godly wife and speaking what I believed to be truth (or did I just want to be right?); fighting my sin of wanting to control my children rather than instruct and lead them; not falling on my knees in humility to ask for grace and direction instead of clawing my way through the day desperate for the rest that only quiet time with His Word can provide; and really just miserable for Him.  Looking back over the past few years, it is with wonderment that I can see how He drew me up from the desolate pit out of the miry bog and set my feet upon a rock making my steps secure.  He put a new song in my mouth a song of praise to our God.[ Psalm 40:2]  It is also heartbreaking to acknowledge that even with this miracle, in my sinfulness I find myself inching back towards that pit.  No matter how clearly I see the miry bog and know its darkness, there is in the Christian walk a point of exhaustion I think that comes sometimes in the constantly seeking after Him.  A weariness that can be overcome quite efficiently by following that same route - seek after Him.  Yet, in that moment of choice, the hole seems so easy.  Just step over the edge and fall.  And so it is with renewed humility that I hold on to the hem and find myself hanging back over the side of the pit, legs dangling, heaving in the effort to do my share this time so that He didn't  have to pull me out entirely on his own strength - ha!  That's a good one.  As if I somehow helped Him drag me up and over!  Nevertheless, here I am.  Hope renewed and desperate for Him.  The new week holds promise.  Fresh starts.  Grace and mercy all around!  Praying that your week too is full of fresh starts, even if you're no where near a pit:)

Oh Happiness

*****NOTE:  Pause the playlist player at the bottom******
I LOVE this song.  I love the David Crowder Band - they're different, thoughtful, inventive, awesome:)  My kids are mildly addicted to this song - Jack says they rock out to it at HWY34, which is his "Sunday school."  We rock out to it in the car, at home, everywhere!  And the "message" is so simple, but amazing - His grace is enough for us, and the whole human race.  It's an incredible free gift; one that shouldn't be taken for granted.  Hope you enjoy - and hope that it gets stuck in your craw like it does mine!

What Was I thinking...and other questions that will keep me up tonight

Today was our first official day of homeschool.  Ummm.  Yeah.  So I think the best thing I can say about today is that not one child in our family was harmed, physically, psychologically (at least we won't know on that one til much later in their lives,) or otherwise.  One dog was yelled at excessively, but honestly that's really nothing new.  I rolled my eyes to the heavens in a dire plea for patience and hope approximately 227 times and that is the exact number of times my prayer was answered, albeit temporarily!
So, we did have some good moments.  Jack enjoyed the on-line math, although his joy quickly evaporated when he realized that there were indeed more than 2 problems to the activity.  Ella-Kathyrn made us all laugh when in attempting to write the numbers starting at 20 in decreasing order , or as I so poorly explained "backwards," she promptly, in Amelia Bedelia fashion, began "02, 91, 81"etc!  Poor girl, she really was quite confused, but once I sat down with her, she breezed right through it:)  Will thought today would be the absolute best day ever to not be happy about anything.  At all.  There was much back and forth from his bed to diffuse the meltdown,s so I know that tomorrow I will need to have more out for him instead of just telling him to go find something to do.  Ryan did quite well, scooting about from room to room.  His recent mobility has eased his separation anxiety for the most part, while it has increased the need for my attention to him as he has also discovered that lamp cords ease teething pain.  Oh dear! 
I was up past midnight last night fretting about today.  All day I felt on the brink of tears.  Yet, at the end of the day, I still believe that this is the right choice for our family.
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It is now Sunday afternoon and I need to add on to this post.  I prayed every night last week for the Lord's guidance.  I truly felt that the way we were doing school was not right for our family.  Math was taking too long.  I was frustrated trying to meet each child where they were in their lessons etc.  Remembering back to when we first started looking into homeschool, I was struck by Charlotte Mason and her methodology.  We probably won't do the whole shebang, but pretty close.  The main idea is spending more time reading and narrating, rather than doing workbooks, and formal lessons.  Establishing good daily habits, memorization, and reading are key components.  We will scale back math to 10-20 min. blocks, rather than 30+.  This alone will probably save my soul!  The kids can draw, play with Legos, or something like that while I read to them, but Will can participate in this too.  We're taking a field trip down to the Dickson Street Book Shop, one of my all time favorite haunts in Fayetteville, to gather up some more books.  I've been talking this place up all weekend hoping that the kiddos will be excited to go - not sure it's working!  Keep your fingers crossed that we can find the rest of the books we need and we'll keep you posted on our progress this week.

One Year

It's truly amazing what a single year can bring.  This time last year we were anxious and worried as our newly born son had been whisked off the NICU after an emergency c-section the night before.  Jeff and I were talking about how in some ways it is so difficult to remember sitting next to Ryan's NICU bed day after day, pleading with God for grace and mercy for this child.  On the other hand, there are moments when those emotions punch you in the gut.  The intensity of the fear and helplessness truly stop you in your tracks, causing you to suck in your breath.  We could of have lost him.  I asked Jeff, "was it really as serious as I made it you to be?  Was I overly concerned?"  He said no.  In fact we probably will never truly understand just how sick he was - his Dr.'s hardly knew what kind of infection he had.  But this story has a happy ending.  He is totally fine!  As the pics show, healthy and happy.  So here's a run down of who Ryan is at the end of his first year:

• you still love Praise Baby!  And thank goodness for that since it will occupy your attention for a bit while we try to get some things done. 
• while I don't know your exact weight, you are definitely a healthy boy! 
• it was difficult for me to not breastfeed you, but there have been some definite pluses to formula - anyone could feed you, and of course see above point:)
• in spite of a mother who fretted over every milestone (would there be delays?) you reached each one in your own time, which was pretty much right on track anyway
• you hate to be on your tummy - really not a fan - and thus the "scootch" was born: you don't crawl, you scoot in a sitting position, all over the place!  You're actually pretty quick too, and it's funny to look down and see you at my feet when you were just in another room:)
• you have 2 bottom teeth and the one on top is pretty much in too
• you are just now beginning to enjoy chunkier foods - after the great vomiting all over mommy incident of 2010 in Chick-fil-A, this is a great relief!
• you enjoy the water - pool, ocean, bath - again, after a period in which you screamed bloody murder anytime you were in the water, this is greatly appreciated and made our summer much more pleasant!  You splash and squeal.  Even the salt water didn't bother you. 
• you love your brothers and sister, but aren't afraid to fight back if they annoy you:) 
• you wear a size 4 diaper and 18mo clothes, although it depends on the fit
• you love your dogs and don't mind getting up close and personal with them, letting them lick your hands, face etc.  You do mind mommy coming along behind this activity to disinfect you!
• you have a ton of hair, have already had 2 haircuts the most recent was the day before you turned one - we cut off all of your curls but I'm certain we'll see them again soon!
• you did experience some pretty intense separation anxiety from mommy, but now that you're moving, that seems to have passed - and not a moment too soon!

There is so much more to who you are now, but enough for now.  You are loved, and we are grateful for your life!

Lean Into Me

The Lord did once speak to me in an audible voice.  It was clear as day, and startled me right out of my prayer!  What an experience!  But, it's never really happened again.  Usually, it seems that God or the Holy Spirit speaks to me through my never ending inner monologue.  It feels like a thought, but I know that it's not of or from me.  Make sense?  Sometimes it's like there's another person inside my head and that's the voice that I hear - not a real voice (don't worry here, I'm not hearing voices!), but definitely something other than my own thought.  Anyway, I remember Karen Kingsbury or Francine Rivers describing it as a whisper on a breeze.  That's kind of it - it just sort of passes across my thoughts.  God gave me this a couple of days ago.  We returned from our vacation (which was great and deserves it own post) I was immediately overwhelmed with the amount of work to be done before we begin homeschool in earnest next week.  My heart raced.  I felt a panic attack of sorts coming on. The day before we came home I had been reading in Job, not really lifting my spirits I can tell you!  But, amid all of that, as I went to bed Sat night, I heard Him.  "Lean Into Me."  That's it.  But wow!  I have turned that over and over in my head and heart.  Savoring its sweetness.  Letting it wash over me in the midst of a baby suffering from extreme separation anxiety and teething, a soon-to-be 3 year old who cannot understand why every toy in the house is not his, a soon-to-be 6 year old who just really wants a horse and a bunny and a baby sister,  not to mention the 8 year old who is just really emotional right now, and an already over-worked husband who just took on another part time job (sweet him!).  So, here we all are, leaning into Him.  And miracle of all miracles, He's holding us up.

Rant

Ok.  Deep breath.  So I have lost many of those pesky pregnancy pounds, there are still a few that mistakenly believe I am their mothership and simply will not go back to their home planet Cellulite.  Oh well.  And, in the name of transparency, which by the way is the same shade of white that is my skin right now, I should mention that my recent diet vacation has consisted of pop-tarts, cheez-its, and Diet Dr. Pepper.  I know, Diet Dr. Pepper, why bother.  Just go ahead and drink the real deal for cryin' out loud.  But I am a product of the 80's where it made total sense to order the Big Mac meal, with a Diet Coke.   Cuz I was 13 and thought that 123 pounds and hip bones that jutted out were what made me undateable.  Not my inability to carry on a conversation with anyone remotely resembling a boy. But I digress.  Sort of.  Because my rant today is really a coming full circle kind of thing bringing me back to my deep seeded body issues.  Those being:  I don't like my body.  I know.  How original right?  But seriously.  I wish I were one of those women who could embrace the blue veins and stretch marks as badges of honor for bearing 4 children and blah, blah, blah.  But I'm shallow and vain and I want to grab that 13 year old girl by the shoulders and scream in her braced toothed face,"You are thin and while boobless right now, they will come later and be more trouble than they're worth, so just enjoy the fact that you can buy jeans in a single digit size."  UGH!  Please do not send me comments about this (Karen and Heidi:))  I love my life and this is a passing hell that I'm in.  I'm just sayin' - it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.  This manic phase is of course caused by the need to buy a new bathing suit.  Yes, I will be entering the first circle of hell in about an hour - a poorly illuminated dressing room in which every wall is in fact a mirror that must be made in Taiwan or some other country where crap is porrly made because there's no way in the Holy Land that I ACTUALLY look like THAT!!!!!  Prayer teams should be assembled before we do this to ourselves.  Full makeover and spray tan booths should be set up outside of the department stores.  Ok, I got it out of my system.  I'm ok.  But, if you don't hear from me in a day or two, check the Macy's in Joplin where I may still be passed out and in shock.

We're still here!

Well, if I thought the summer had been zipping by before, then I was sorely mistaken!  We are already getting ready for our beach trip - we leave Wed!!! Yikes:)  There's much to be done around here but I wanted to throw up a few pictures from VBS and our 4th celebration.  The kids really enjoyed VBS despite all of us coming down with whatever funky virus Will brought home from church on Father's Day.  The kids each had fevers of 102-103 and about 24 hours of really not feeling great.  I got it the following week and then Jeff had an abbreviated version last week.  So at least we're well for the trip! 
On Sat. I took the kids to our local 4th of July parade (yes it was on the 3rd) and that night I took them out to our fireworks display.  I knew I didn't want to tackle the big even in Bentonville, so we opted to forgo the display tonight in favor of the one last night.  It rained on us a bit, but never downpoured so we were fine.  Will did not like the loudness, but was ok with sitting in the car to watch.  Ryan was enthralled for about the first 5 minutes, then he was squirmy:)  Oh well - I did it. My poor children were not deprived of a 4th of July fireworks celebration despite their father's crummy work schedule!  Will they ever remember these days????
The Bella Vista parade: small, quaint, and just the right speed for Will:)  He did something really brave though - he shook Strike's hand!  Strike is the most bizarre mascot of the Arkansas Naturals baseball team.  I'm talking wierd!  I'm not even really sure what the heck he is - he really looks like some kind of neanderthal crossed with a Fraggle Rock character!

Waiting for the fireworks to begin. 

Watching the display - note Will's eyes!  Not sure if he was in the middle of saying cheese or praying that they would be over soon.

When he started to really get upset I convinced him to watch them from the car.  He seemed ok there and at least he didn't really freak out and start screaming or something.  I was parked 3 rows from the front and surrounded by cars, so there was really no way out until they were over.  Thankfully he just sat there and watched patiently.

This was the final of about 10 shots I tried to get of Ryan!  It is so hard holding the camera out at just the right angle to take his picture while I'm holding him!  The first 9 he was either looking behind me or was mid turn so he's just a blur:)  Oh well - he was there and he never cried!

Here are some pics from VBS - the ones Jeff took inside of their performance did not turn out well.  We were so proud of Jack though because all morning he said he didn't want to get up on the stage and we just told him he could decide for himself, but that the hard work he did learning the songs etc. was for that performance.  About 10 minutes before they were supposed to go on, he told me he still wasn't sure. Then up he went with this class! Later I asked him about it and he told me his friend B said they had to go! Ha!  Good for B and good for Jack!

Jack and Will petting one of the horses from Horses for Healing a great agency which provides therapeutic services for children with a variety of special needs.  The VBS was mission minded and collected change every night to then donate to the charity.  On Sat. they held a pancake breakfast, tallied the money, and the kids go to see some of the horses. Ella-Kathryn liked to die and go to heaven right there!  I had to threaten her life to get her to come back upstairs after 20 minutes of grooming one of the horses:)

The horses are all named things like "Hope," and "Redeemed" - love that!

Ella-Kathryn and two of her BFF's! 

Hope you all had a great day and we'll try to keep this updated while we're enjoying family and the surf!