Wednesday, November 24, 2010

2 Parter

We had a busy day yesterday.  Nothing in particular, just busy.  Good busy.  Then after naps, I loaded up the kids and we went over to K's house to visit with her and M came too with her daughter.  The kids acted like kids, meaning we had to stop talking every 3.4 minutes to redirect.  Even the big kids:)  But I so enjoyed that time.  Right before the craziness of the "holiday" season.  Just a couple of hours to check in with each other and be reminded that these women love God, their families, and miracle of all miracles, me! 
A bit after 5 we were getting our stuff together to head home.  K's parents were stopping by to drop a few things off and it happened that they arrived as we were leaving.  We all hugged and visited for a minute.  Then we got in the car and decided to run into Allen's to grab a few things for an easy dinner.  We got a spot right in front - the store is in a strip mall so there are some spots that face the front of the building and aren't really out in the parking lot.  We were on the very end, but there were cars parked the rest of the way down to the store.  We got our stuff, the kids were great, Max gave them lollipops, and then a young man pushed the cart out for us.  Ryan was in the cart, the other 3 were walking a bit ahead of me.  A bit.  We passed the first 5 or 6 cars parked before ours.  I noticed that the car that was parked next to us was gone.  I saw Will start to run towards our car.  I saw him run in between the parked car and the cement parking stop.  I saw him illuminated by headlights.  I screamed.  I ran.  I grabbed him up and hugged him.  Hard.  I said thank you Jesus over and over.
The man driving the car said he saw him.  His wife did too.  They were very kind.  Thank God they were driving slowly. 
Later, after dinner and after Jeff had gotten up, I was in my closet getting changed for bed.  It was if I had been punched in the stomach.  It all just hit me.  K's mom.  Alive.  Delivering homemade cinnamon rolls.  K and I talking about her parent's anniversary.  M's parents coming for Thanksgiving.  Hugging K's mom.  K getting to talk to her mom on the phone.  Will almost getting hit by a car.  I stood there and sobbed.  The can't catch your breath kind of cry.  Doubled over, but trying to be quiet cry.  There was no one moment of conscious thought: "I miss my mom."  Rather, it was like swimming the wrong way all day in a Rip current only to finally succumb out of sheer exhaustion, to be pulled under completely.  And it feels kinda good.   The letting go.  Just to not have to fight it anymore.  The good news is that it passes.  The bad news is that I know it will come again. 
This is not meant to be a post of sadness.  Instead, it's a reminder that losing someone we love will bring about an entire spectrum of emotion for which we don't have words.  It's joy in the life that we got to live with them.  It's disbelief that they're gone.  It's an aching for the years that stretch ahead without them.  It's hope that we'll see them again. 


Karen said...

Ironically, I had that same kind of moment just yesterday as I was running. I don't even know why...a song on my iphone as I was running perhaps? I don't know....but I actually was crying so loud and hard as I ran that I began wheezing. ugh! those moments are so you said....i just miss her! love you and am so thankful for you!!!

Aunt LaLa said...

The moments that I think of your mom...and delve into the past, are unpredictable. She is always "right there", and on the back-burner of my mind. Never far from my thoughts, conscious or not...dreams...I drive home from school, and suddenly, think of a time with her...and cry...always with prayer. I will never cease to miss her, or love her. I do believe, more than anyone I have ever known. I will never have anyone quite like your mom in my life, nor will you or Karen!

Poppy said...

Went to the funeral of a young mom who lost her battle to "C" after a 10 year fight. Thought I was going to be ok until her 14 year old daughter walked to the casket. Could not get the vision of that poor girl walking through her life since being 4, facing the yo-yo effects of treatment, remission, then start all over again. Be assured we all see "MY GIRL" again. It is His Promise.