Saturday, October 30, 2010
Baring it all
I'm a mess these days. I'm not sure how this post is going to go, so please just hang on and know that I'm trying to get it out in some proper fashion. It really goes back to this move. Jeff is not happy here - nothing that will be life or death if we didn't move, but definitely something that is significant enough to make him seek out other jobs and homes. In other words, he wants to go. Sooner rather than later, but is willing to wait until some things are resolved, i.e. employment:) He's dissatisfied with the income that he makes in law enforcement and wants to do better for our family. Admirable, I know. And it would be hugely helpful if he did make more. Not just to our "now" life, but to our "future" life. And, I know that he's not the kind of guy who's going to just throw it all to the wind and risk our family's ability to eat and have shelter. I know that. Or at least I think I do. Here's the problem. I want to support my husband. I want to be that wife who says "heck yeah, let's up and move and go where ever to do whatever." Here's my dirty little secret: I'm not that wife. I feel depressed about this whole thing. Not just that I'm not the wife I thought I was, but even more sadly, in a selfish way that my life is not turning out the way I want it to. I'm happy here, or more than that, this is a "known." I do not like the unknown. There are a bazillion variables that play into our moving that it literally makes me sick to my stomach. I'm weepy and quite frankly not very nice to my husband right now. And part of me doesn't want to be nice. Yuck. I know. When I pull up the real-estate sites for towns in Colorado part of me thinks ok, that's not too bad. What a pretty view of the mountains. What a cute downtown. Then part of me thinks, how on earth are you going to keep the house "show-ready" while your husband sleeps during the day and you homeschool your kids. And don't forget about those dogs you'll have to load up every time someone wants to see the house. That is of course if you can get anyone to look at your house, cause we all know the market sucks right now... and on and on. This back and forth. All the while my heart is crying out to Jesus to please give me some peace about any of it. Oh. I am a mess. When I share these feelings with my husband he hears "I don't want to go." To which he replies, "if you really don't want to go, then of course we won't." But I know. I know that man. He will make due. He will work hard. But he will wonder, "what if we'd gone?" And I know I would too. So here we are. Friends and family, please pray for me. That sounds so selfish, but I really need your prayers. I need a miracle of an intervention right now - a major heart change because this state that I'm in right now is not good. Thank you in advance for you who will step in this gap for me:) I love you dearly!