Jack has always been the kind of kid who ponders. Thinks deep. Really seems to grapple with some heavy stuff. Then proceeds to throw it back at me in the hopes that I somehow went to seminary in my sleep and am now a theological genius. Um, well, not really son. I did dream that daddy's coworkers came to pick him up for a class and they had parked with their headlights shining in my bedroom window so I woke up and saw a carload of men staring at me which caused me to panic bacause I thought daddy was late for his class which made my heart race and made me wake up for real. But I digress...
so today on the way home from Wal-Mart Jack asks if we can speak in private when we get home. I say sure, but what's it about because maybe we can go ahead and talk now. He says it has to do with God and hate. Oh boy. I say go ahead, let me have it. The short version is that sometimes he feels like on the outside he believes and loves God, but on the inside his heart is hard and dark (yes he used those words) and that he might not love God. Furthermore (no he did not say that word) he was concerned because it felt like it was easier and more fun to not follow God and he was worried that satan was in his heart, not God.
Me - deep breath. Ok, so this is how I responded: Jack, that's perfectly normal. Mommy struggles with this too, feeling like satan is after my heart and boy howdy wouldn't it be easier to not walk with the Lord cause my flesh says ooh yeah, that will taste good, look good, seem good in the here and now. I encouraged him to spend some more time with the Lord every day. Really get to know this God he wants to love and follow. Pray for protection from these spiritual attacks (he's already been baptized so I also explained that this comes with the territory of being a believer, these battles between light and dark for his soul) and I told him that I would put out an SOS to his family and friends to step up their prayers for him. So, please do pray for him. Pray for peace and answers to his questions and that he would grow to feel some level of comfort in this in-between place of belief and doubt. I am sad that he has inherited this doubting Thomas trait from me, but perhaps in examining his faith so early in his life, he can move forward towards a spiritual maturity that I myself have yet to obtain. There's more to be said here, but Ryan is trying to push every button on the keyboard which makes is pretty dang hard to type anything. I'll revisit this in another post.
Oh yeah, and about an hour later he says to me, "Mom, I'm just not understanding what love is. I mean what is it , what does it mean? why do we say I love you to people? " Come on dude! Give me a break. Can't you just pee on the bathroom floor like your little brother. That I can handle. This stuff is going to do me in!