What might have been

Today I would have been 40 weeks. Ryan might have been born today! I doubt it, but you never know. Looking back, I am amazed at God's providence in our lives - that He knew that my fluid was so low and stirred in me that "feeling" that something wasn't right (to which my dear friend H said go to the Dr., better to err on the side of caution); that if I hadn't gone the week before we would have had nothing to compare the second ultrasound to nor would we have even had a 2nd ultrasound which showed not only the dangerously low fluid, but also the cord that was wrapped twice around his neck; that my sweet friends were able to be there at the drop of a hat to gather my children up then return to support Jeff and me; that my family was able to drop everything they had going on and drive the day and a half trip to be there the following day; that my dad (a saint in any book!) has the flexibility in his life to be able to stay with us for the following THREE weeks!; my sweet sister too, to leave her own kiddos, hubby, life and be here and NEVER get to see her nephew (talk about injustice:)); that we were literally surrounded in the NICU by people of faith, many of whom attend our church (the Sunday after Ryan was born our neonatologist actually sat right in front of us in church); and there are so many more moments where truly the hand of God could have been seen/felt. All of this is to say that I am in awe of this tiny baby, who is now 5 weeks old, but should really barely have been born by now! I feel, deep in my gut, that if God had not ordained these events, Ryan would not have made it, with the fluid, cord, and infection. I say all of this in an effort to remind myself that God is active in my life. So many times, and most recently when my mom died, I wondered where he was. Did he even understand the chaos/pain/desperation I was feeling? My head said yes, of course, this is the same God who had to turn away from him own son dying on the cross. But my heart said no - since I couldn't see evidence of him. Or so I thought. What I have come to realize (perhaps again?) is that it is me who is blind to his presence. It is me who has blinders of doubt, fear, insecurity, bad habits on which keep me from seeing and more importantly, acknowledging him in my everyday life. There's more here, I'm just not sure I can express it right now...



On the homefront, we are, with the exception of Jeff, fighting off the crud. Although I had much to do today, Will needed mommy and so we watched two movies and napped and did little else. I feel pretty rotten myself and am praying that whatever we all have won't get passed on to Ryan. I did manage to get myself to bible study yesterday, the Beth Moore Esther study, and I'm excited to get going on that. My neighbor is going to join me! I am pumped for her - she's a Beth Moore virgin:) Can't wait to see what this lesson and God have in store for us.