Sunday, June 14, 2009

Struggle

I have reconnected with so many old friends via facebook- well they're not old, we just haven't seen each other in a long time- and it's been great. One such friend has been blogging for years now and I have had such a good time getting reacquainted with her via her writings/photos. I'm not yet caught up to the present day in her life-in-writing, but she has made me laugh, smirk, wince, and think. One thing that I cannot get over is the commonality of motherhood. Not that we are all one-in-the-same moms, or that we're interchangeable (spare parts sold separately), rather that we all seem to vacillate between feeling strong, capable, and sure of ourselves and our parenting skills only to have some small human being throw our worlds completely upside down and turn us into doubting piles of blubbering insecurity. And in this, I find comfort. I am not the only one navigating a time old world of raising children, only to feel that I am the only person EVER to have raised a child. Know what I'm sayin'? When they are your children you get the feeling that surely no one has ever encountered "x" problem. I am no stranger to calling parents/friends/neighbors to say," What am I to do about...." But at the end of the day raising these little people is my (well, Jeff's too) job. A job that I am blessed beyond measure to have and one which I am truly thankful for ( I can say this now since it's been a "good" day so far).
Ok I jinxed myself, Will just had a mini-tantrum because I wouldn't let him have my cell phone and proceeded to hit me -timeout crib buddy.
So, my other "issue" (I am using way too many quotation marks in this post) is what to feed my family. As per the Jeff health issue, his eating habits/meals have gone completely into the realm of chemicals, sugar-substitutes and other items that I do not want the kids nor myself to ingest. Other than that the main problem that I face is the cost of eating organically. I have the "dirty dozen" list in my purse, even though I have it memorized by now, and dutifully try my best to buy only organic produce, whole wheat preservative-free breads, nitrite-free lunchmeats, organic peanut butter etc. Now that it's summer it's certainly easier with the farmer's markets open, but still, I cannot in good conscience spend half of our weekly grocery budget on organically grass-fed beef. Anyway - I know it all comes out in the wash and that we are doing our best and our "all things in moderation" theme for life will continue to prevail. It's just hard - the daily choices we face as parents: will this truly scar them/make them better people/be honoring to God?
In the midst of this angst-ridden (read sarcastically please) post I am making my lists and checking them twice for our trip to FL in 3 days. Yes I am going to willingly travel for 17hours alone in a car with my 3 children, whilst almost 30 weeks pregnant. Anyone care to join me in crazy land? We hit Sams on sat purchasing all things sugar laden and carbohydrate - animal crackers, gummy animals, juice pouches, goldfish crackers (the box did say they were natural and whole grain!). I'm quite sure that there is an eating disorder in one of my kid's futures, as I will be offering food for any of the following emotions: anger at not being at our destination in a child-friendly time manner; sadness at not being able to get out of carseats; frustration at sibling for breathing too loudly/not sharing "the toy that I was looking at to play with"/not agreeing on a movie to watch/fill-in-the-blank sibling issue; downright sorrow that Daddy cannot come with us and cannot join us for 2 more weeks; discomfort b/c sun is somehow shining on child's face regardless of strategically placed sunshades on windows; you get the picture.
Pray for me/us/others on the road during our travels:)
PS - I had to buy another maternity bathing suit - ah joy. aNd I am one of those women who love being pregnant and don't mind parading my ginormous self around - usually. This go round I can honestly say that I am done. Now. Yes, with 12 weeks left. I feel huge (writing this with maternity tank top riding up over my bump and maternity gouchos advertized to fit through all stages of pregnancy slipping down to my nether-regions) and am physically hurting (back/butt pains). TMI-sorry. I know that I will rue the day I ever wished this baby here so soon, but I can't help it...yes I can. I will go put on my big girl panties ( and boy are they ever big these days) and enjoy the rest of this time with baby boy safely tucked inside until he's ready to come join the insanity that we call our family.

2 comments:

Our Family said...

Big and Beautiful - that's my moto! (Okay, really that is the moto that I try and convince myself of!)

Karen said...

I'm so thankful to "struggle" alongside you, and to have you to look to as you go before me. Can't wait to have you here....longing for your friendship day-to-day. Thank you for making the long trip, albeit not solely for me, but thank you. I love you, admire you...and think you rock as a wife, mom, woman, sister, and friend!