As moms, parents, people involved in children's lives, there comes those moments when we question whether or not we're doing the "right" thing for them. That right thing might be sports, bible study, or in my case education. When we decided to bring the kids home for school, I walked confidently for, um, about 2 weeks. Then it all came crashing down. Self-doubt, worry, fear began to take over where previously our firm conviction that we were following the Lord's will had once resided. I know that these moments occur when I take my eyes/ears off the Lord's plan for our family and start peeking in on what everyone else is doing. Oh, look at that family, the first grader knows their multiplication tables, we must really be messing up if our first grader doesn't know them! Or, geez, Jack is still struggling with math, I really am the world's worst teacher or else this would come easily for him and he would be doing 10th grade math by now! When you take a countercultural stance you need to expect to have those feelings of fear and insecurity try to steal your God confidence. My head nods along with that statement and it makes complete sense, but of course my heart says, no you really are NOT RIGHT. YOU ARE ALL WRONG!
The past few weeks have been a mess in the school department. Traditionally we do school year round. It's good for them to be busy and keep their brains going, and it's better for me if they can be constructively occupied for a couple of hours each day. But, 3 weeks ago we were caring for a friends child. Then Jeff hurt his back. I tried to have to the kids get a math page or a handwriting sheet, and even do our read-aloud, but it was truly a half-hearted effort, made all the more frustrating by my own exhaustion and distraction. I am known for this by the way, this wishy washy attitude, inability to focus and stay on task:) Sad but true. So, I said enough. For now at least. Decision made. No school for the rest of the week. I will sit down on Sat. and regroup. Look at our school plans for the following week and we'll pick up again on Monday. It's hard for me to look up and see the kids "doing nothing" all day. But I have to remind myself that over the course of the year they are doing just fine. But, I also have to remain committed for those time when we are "in session." My flesh is lazy, and my spirit is depressed, but thankfully, my God is stronger than both of these:) Seriously, my point is that I can certainly be hard on myself and I can most definitely compare myself and my kids to anyone and everyone else, but it gets me nowhere and leaves me feeling more distraught than before! Any one of us can fall into this trap and see that if we lose our God focus, we wander of the path he made straight for us.
Our beach trip is officially cancelled. The kids are sad, of course, but they understand. Their daddy can't walk, so we can't leave him here:) They've enjoyed the extra time with daddy and while it hasn't exactly been a a vacation for him, the time off has given Jeff a chance to think through our future. He has also been rather content with where God has him right now, injured and mostly bed-ridden! He's starting to get a bit stir crazy, but overall he's in good spirits and for that I'm grateful.
Random picture dump:
Annual Bella Vista 4th of July parade. Jack is in behind Ryan:)