Yikes! A whole month almost since my last post! What on earth:( So sorry to the 4 people who actually read this. We are still alive - and since those of you who look at this are the same people I talk to on a regualar basis, you already know that. Anyhoo. We are totally under the spell of Christmas, but struggling to shake off the crazy, cross-eyed and drooling trance of too much of everything...too much money spent, too much eating of sweets, too much sitting around watching movies, etc. Big bro' got sick last night - threw up his dinner all over his bed, floor, and then about an hour later, the living room. GROSS - still can hardly stand to clean up my own kiddo's vomit. Sweet Sgt was home alone with them - I ran out to do some last minute shopping (at least this time I was on a mission and actually got what I went out for). He got the room cleaned up and parked J on the couch (the scene of the secone stage of puking). UGH - you know how that goes...if it's not something it's another.
The family is headed in tomorrow - so looking forward to that. Misery loves company right - first xmas without mom and all. Seriously though, I figure who better to be with. They won't wonder what to do with me when I break down crying for seemingly no reason. They know. You don't need a reason. Her not being here is enough of a reason to lose it.
On a lighter note, J gave his life to Christ last year and is finally going to be baptized the Sun after xmas. Praise God! He's been doing a bible study with us leading up to that sun - very interesting to see him process all of this.
Ok- gotta run. Casseroles to finish. And a glass of red wine with my name on it is calling me...

Grateful Heart

So much for posting with any regularity! Anway, the conference was amazing - heard what I soooo needed to hear about who God is, His character and unchangeable ways, and how I am not forgotten in His eyes or heart. Also, and this is huge, I cannot trust my emotions in my walk with God. I will, I repeat, I will have times of doubt because I feel lonely/sad/depressed etc, but those are emotions not truth. The TRUTH is that I am His child and He loves me and He is faithful and true. If I can hold fast to those things even while eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's amid a tearful night on the couch thinking about my mom and all that she's missing/I am missing with out her, then I am on the right path. I am unable to comprehend that there is nothing more beyond this world, if for no other reason than I am unwilling to never see my mom again. Beyond that, I cannot live this life without hope of something more - this world is simply too hard and there is a longing in my heart for that something more. So, there you have it! Can I get an "Amen"???
The Sgt did amazingly well while I was gone - house is still standing and wasn't too dirty either! He was so sweet - saying that he enjoyed his time bonding with lil' man. He even managed to coordinate with our friend to watch our kids so that he could help out with a church outreach project. Awesome Man! Another blessing in my life - I hear so much about husbands who are in the pits of pornography, infidelity, loss of faith etc. and while I always pray protection from these things (since we are all vulnerable) I am truly grateful for a man who works so hard and loves us so deeply. While we often joke about his inability to be "romantic" or whatever, he really is unselfish when it comes to his family. Gotta love the Sgt!:)
We're hanging home this year for Thanksgiving - going to the in-laws. I am glad to be keeping it low-key - not sure I can take too much hubbub, and Christmas is going to be crazy with everyone coming here. J is going to be baptized the Sun. after xmas - more on that later - so he will get to have his family with him for that!
Nighty night!

I'm off duty!

I leave this afternoon for my Women of Faith conference. So many little things have happened in the past couple of days, and one big thing, that at times I have felt like this door was closing...I just don't know. My friend who invited me to the conference has had a death in the family and so that has thrown a major wrench in the travel plans. As of five minutes ago, I am planning on driving myself to OKC, so that I can spend some time in Tulsa - solo- doing some shopping. I prayed last night that God would give me a very clear direction about this day...so far, not so much! I know that God does sometimes work this way, or rather, that my mind may be too busy to hear what He is trying to tell me. Hate when that happens, and it seems to be the case more often than not:(
I've got dinners to put up for the Sgt and kids, clothes to pack, the dog has a vet appt. What to do??? Just trust that God will work out my day in His perfect order, relax in this and not worry (too much) and look forward to spending time hearing other women talk about how He has worked in their lives, reading His word, and worshipping Him. Ok, so that doesn't sound too bad:)

MIT monday

Moms in Touch was amazing this morning. We were joined by new mom (not new to motherhood, just new to us) and one of our gals had a birthday, so we got off to a slow start, but boy did our prayers push on the walls! It is so sweet to hear these women pouring their hearts out to God, trusting Him to hear their cries for their children. It is also so comforting to know that none of us (or our children) are perfect. One of the ladies in my church said women so often live our lives just keeping it between the ditches of comparison and judgement! How true! We look at others and think,"Oh, look, their kids are so cutely dressed, their home so nicely decorated..." but really they got crud just like us:) So, it is a pleasure to share my crud with my MIT women!
Halloween was a success - even though lil' man was only happy in the main SpiderMan suit, no accessories. I do have one pic of him with the mask and hat, and as you can see he is clearly not pleased to be so goofily dressed! J was a cop (of course since I spent 13 bucks for a Batman costume that he BEGGED me for, only to discover that it was too itchy, as surprisingly was the pirate costume last year) and EK was a cowgirl. She even got to ride a pony on Halloween - at one of the trunk-or-treats. So fun. And this week is her trail ride that she has been begging for since last christmas when she got to ride a pony at the town square's free christmas event. So, finally this Fri. she and I will be mounting up for an hour long ride - wish me luck;)

Bible Study Tuesdays

WooHoo! Yet again I say, Love me some Beth Moore! Seriously, she is gifted at bringing God's word to life so that we are able to glean something different than we might have gotten on our own. She seems humble with her gift of teaching and that makes her all the more appealing to me - yet I know that at the end of the day, it is God's word, not hers. anyhoo, God is just continuing to reveal to me how blessed I am. My hardworkin' Sgt., kiddos trying their best most days:) I am so quick to see the hard work I "have to do" everyday just to keep this house running, that I so often overlook the abundance He has placed in our life. So, for an early Thanksgiving: I am grateful for the Sgt., his godliness, loyalty to our family, work ethic, sense of humor, humility, love for me and the kids, what a good friend he is, his quiet strength (I know I can count on this man), and for being an amazing handyman! My sweet children: J, so creative and sensitive, huge questions about his God and faith, growing into quite a little man himself. What a fantastic big brother too. EK, my precious girl - smart, funny, great expressions, big-helper, loves her brothers and is so inquisitive, tender too to how I'm feeling. Lil' man - wow, what a ride this first year has been, but you're sleeping through the night now and you are funny! I am just so thankful, even through the sadness of losing my mom, that God has seen fit to bless us so completely. Thank you God.
P.S. - I know what horrid grammar was just used in the above post, so don't go sendin' me comments about how I should banned from blogging or whatever. I'm just sayin'...

Monday's are Moms In Touch, the prayer group I meet with to pray for J and all of the kids in his school. I started attending last year and it has been such a blessing in my life! It is made all the sweeter because of the dear women with whom I pray. THey are generous of spirit and love for their own kids as well as the students at our school. What an honor to pray with these godly women! Today I was reminded of just how blessed we, as a family, are. Our marriage is strong, our kids are healthy and "normal" - we can so easily take for granted that our children are not broken of spirit, heart, or mind. Even though 'lil man sometimes makes praying quite challenging, I wouldn't trade that time for anything. I also felt God pricking my heart in the area of obedience to spending time in His word. Now that lil man is sleeping through the night and not rising before the chickens, I really need to commit to taking that time to be with Him each day. I KNOW how much better I feel when I do this, so it's just a matter of overcoming the flesh:) So easy-right?

A new day

After a ROUGH weekend last week, this weekend has proven to be much better. My sister and dad (plus niece and nephew) got home safely as did my brother-in-law, so that was a big prayer answered. My kiddos are semi-healthy (anyone who has kids knows this state of limbo between health and sickness that hovers over a house...a cough that comes back to life during the night, a snotty nose that rears it's ugly head in the morning, you know!) So, the Sgt. is home more now that the mowing season is wrapping up - HUGE for me. It is amazing how God designed us to truly NEED our partners - just spending time together is such a mood-balancer for me, sets my course for the week. Kind of like spending time with God - I am SUCH a slow learner:)
Lesson: God designed our husbands to be earthly reflections of HIS guidance, love, support, wisdom, compass.
Ok, enough for now - lil' man slept in til 7 ish, after he cried from 5:45-?, but at least he slept in! But because of church he only had 1 nap and it was only 30 minutes!!! Are you kidding me? 30 minutes all stinkin' day? And then we missed the library trick-or-treat (I missed the time by and hour:() SOOOO, they were super sweet and let the kids grab some candy and play a couple of games. Bad mommy! Oh well, so my super mom cape just fell off...another day in the life of a super (a.k.a. forgetful, sleep-deprived, not functioning on all cylinders) mom.

back to life, back to reality

So I woke up this morning, well, I was woken up by lil' man at 5 AM!, and thought, ok today will be a better day. Not so much. I know God's mercies are new every day, but mercy just doesn't feel like enough. I need superhuman strength... and yes, I know He will also provide strength and comfort - honestly, I'm just not feelin' it. I have not walked away from my faith. I have not abandoned God, though I feel abandoned by Him. I just want some peace in my heart and not this daily sorrow. I will continue to pray that this is just a part of walking through grief...not a life-sentence. I do have joy-husband, kids, family, friends...just still am in wonder that this is my life now (and my dad's, sister etc.) that is life without my mom. Inconcievable. Totally.
mel

Sad Sunday

Ok, so this is the first...the first time we will not celebrate my mom's birthday. Since she died I have felt like I am walking kind of leaning off center a bit. In the days leading up to this weekend we have been busy, but that overwhelming sadness has crept in... at night, rocking lil' man, buying pumpkins. It is inescapable and terrible...there are just no other words to decribe it.
We had a great time at the concert. Our seats were on the second row! Wow - I am soooo old. That music was just so stinkin' loud:) I wore earplugs! It was a great night though and the kids did great for M. Thank goodness - even lil'man fell asleep with no problems. It's been beautiful here, so we spent the rest of the weekend outside. No church today though since lil'man has yellow stuff coming out of his eyes and nose - GROSS! Oh well.
Hope to come out of this funk sometime soon...

Date night!

WooHoo! Tonight's date night. Friends of the Sgt. got us sweet seats to the Gary Allen concert tonight in Fayetteville. The last concert we went to a was about a year ago - I won tickets to see Chris Tomlin during his Amazing Grace tour- awesome! So, my sweet friend M. is going to watch the troups so we can head down for a great night of music and time with the Sgt. friends from work. I'll let you know how it goes:) It's funny because we have joked about my need for earplugs! I know that makes me OLD:( I just can't stand LOUD music anymore and apparently we will be on the stage - pray for my tender ears!
Last night I got to go hang with my homies - my two dear friends K and M. We had chips and salsa, an adult beverage, and some wonderful conversation. These two women are such a blessing in my life and were completely God-sent - Love me some girl time with these 2 gals:)
The Sgt. took care of the kiddos, and yes that meant a trip to McDonalds. Oh well- they'll still grow, right? J and EK had AWANA - this is our first year to do this and we have been so impressed with their retention of scripture and they so enjoy their time with their friends there. I've got cleaning to do today and then lunch with friend to catch up with her life. Does this happen to anyone else - you start the month with a nice clean (read empty) calendar and in a matter of a week those little blocks are all filled up! We still have downtime, but it seems that we have to protect it so carefully. We're not THAT popular either ! It's just life I guess. Hope you all have a great day. til next time!

Bible Study Tuesdays

Tuesdays are my bible study days. After co-leading for several years, I needed to take break. My mom passed away in May and that, coupled with three kids, had finally pushed me to that point of surrender. I just wanted to show up and be fed. The lil' Baptist church here in town was offering The Patriarchs, a Beth Moore study - I love me some Beth Moore! It has been awesome too - she points stuff out that makes me wonder if I've been reading the same bible she has:) Unfortunately, i had to work in the nursery today, so I missed small group and the video. I know I can download it, so when I can find 1 solid hour to watch I'll just do that. The sweet thing about this church, and where we live, is that there are a ton of retirees, a.k.a. old people. I got grandma's comin' out my wazoo here. It makes small group fun - so much different than at the church where I was co-leading (primarily young mom's there).

The Sgt.'s new hours are hard for him. He needs sleep, at least 8 hours, and he hasn't seen that much in about 3 days now. I'm hoping that today's the day when the exhaustion kicks in and he get's a decent stretch of good rest. My even for the night was cancelled so I can take care of the kids and let him sleep in.

The pic's are from this weekend - we got to make a scarecrow and then spent some QT as a family. Much needed and fun. The one of lil' man is his first doughnut - I think he liked it!

A haircut, a lost tooth, and a nocturnal dad.

So the Sgt. is on the midnight shift now (11pm-9am) and as J so brilliantly pointed out to me on the way home from church, "Dad's nocturnal now!" Why yes, my young Jedi, he is. Lest we should be too blown away by his intelligent response, we must only think back to earlier that morning when he and EK came out of her room with her scissors, a plastic fighter jet and a wad of her hair. I should have known it was going to be bad when J opens with, "Now mom, I don't want to tell you this because I know you'll get upset" - ya think?! Let's hope is EQ is on par with his IQ. Poor kid also wants to take a hammer to the rest of his teeth in the hopes of bringing in some extra income - smart, and yet, not so much...He did lose his first tooth that same night (should I be worried about things happening in 3's?). The tooth fairy left him a quarter, even though he thought a dollar would be good. Yeah, well, if I had a buck I would be swingin' by Sonic's Happy Hour, not tucking it under your pillow. Sorry bud - times are tough:)
Anyway, lil' man is walking now - can hardly believe he is big enough to do this. He's my baby and definitely our last, so I think in some ways I have been clinging to his role as the baby. Walking just doesn't fit that picture. Oh well, God is teaching me contentment, and that includes enjoying each kiddo right where they are - not pushing ahead or sighing with a wistful glance in the past. (Sigh)

Welcome to Arkansas!

Ok, so I am a blog stalker. Seriously. My husband thinks it is ridiculous the amount of time I spend clicking through blog after blog. I hunt down decorating-on-the-cheap tips, cooking-on-the-cheap hints, living-on-the-cheap suggestions (anyone noticing a theme here?). Anyway, I am a wife to a cop (newly promoted to Sgt.) and mom to 3 crazy kids. We live in a beautiful part of AR - seriously, it's pretty here! No offense, but when I first moved here I thought I was going to the 5th circle of hell - backwoods, stills etc. But NWA is "nestled in the Ozark mountains" (you want to move here just for that don't you?) and because of Wal-Mart, JBHunt and the University we're really pretty snazzy here. My sister started her blog a few days ago so I figured this would be a good way to stay in touch with her and all of our family.